This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize