i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
