don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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