Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
