I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
