no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
