I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
