Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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