The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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