Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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