Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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