sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
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