I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
