Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
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