sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Randomize
