he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
