dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
