Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
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