if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize