she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Randomize
