I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
