i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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