So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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