I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
