My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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