In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And then the night went full on bisexual.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
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