Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
