I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
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