you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Randomize
