turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
