i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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