i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
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