listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize