genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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