Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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