I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
