i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Randomize
