You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
