im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Randomize