I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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