It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
The air was thick with penises
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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