Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I love you. Go after that dick
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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