It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
