i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
