Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
