things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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