Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
