My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
