I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
