You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
