we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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