I'm so fucking centered right now
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
