Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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