Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
