this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize