I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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