This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
