My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
hide the guitars, Nate just learned to play free fallin'
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
