Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Sober January is a disaster.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Randomize
