Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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