scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
